I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
