Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
