He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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