Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
