By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
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