i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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