your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
