I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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