Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
