I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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