And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
