I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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