i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
