yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I smell stomach acid.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
