The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
