you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
