he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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