dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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