she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
