There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
you made out with another girl for some wings
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The Olympian is in my bed
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
