i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
