Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
