OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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