Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
