you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I've blown a few things in my day
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
