ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
