My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Randomize