I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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