Well douche your snatch and let's go!
You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
