OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize