he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize