Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize