You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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