Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
