areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize