Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
