I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
