I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize