I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
