I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
whose parrot is this?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
