can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
