The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
