I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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