He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
