I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize