Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
