One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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