I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
