I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
