The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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