Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
