Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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