It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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