Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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