got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
